Final Fantasy VI: Abridged Version
by ParadigmRiki
Summary: Be prepared. Be very prepared. For randomness, overreacting, stupidity, and lots and lots of hilarity in the abridging of one of the most iconic Final Fantasy games! And no, it's not VII. I will try to avoid any and all explicitness and swearing. But small swears will be used. You have been warned.
1. Chapter 0

**Final Fantasy VI**

 **Abridged!**

 _DISCLAIMER_!

Final Fantasy VI and all it's characters and locations are all property of Square Enix. I wish I owned them, but that's life for you. You get what you get.

_

Chapter 0: Yeah, I'm doing this!

Ha ha ha! Hello guys, this is your author speaking and I will be conducting this crazy train wreck that I call a fanfiction. You'll see me pop in and out of the story every so often but I won't be the star of the show. Don't you worry about that.

I'm just here to say that I appreciate any and all types of criticism so I can do my best to please everyone with this sorry excuse for a fanfic.

But enough about that, I got this idea from another fanfic writer who actually wrote an abridged for VI but never completed. I decided I'd try my hand at this type of writing so here I am.

This is a really long intro chapter, holy hell! Alright, alright, I'll stop. Anyway, I hope to see your comments on the first chapter when I release it. Paradigm Riki, out!


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Esper-Eidolon-Summon… Whatever!

Disclaimer:

I don't own Final Fantasy or it's characters, not matter how many wishes I make. I know, I lead a sad existence.

* * *

 ** _Clank clank clank clank clank._**

Echoes of these metallic footsteps rang through the snowy road to Narshe. They were some kind of robot thing that I've heard are called Magitek Armour. Yeah, I use British English, you got a problem with that? Anyway, the pilots of said suits Magitek Armour were two presumable twin soldiers, Wiggs and Bedge (Or was it Biggs and Wedge?), and a random green haired girl whose clothes were nowhere near enough to suppress the cold wintery air of Narshe. Yeah, I don't see the logic in this too, guys.

" **AAAAAAAAAAAGH**! HOW LONG IS THIS BLASTED MISSION GOING TO TAKE?!" One of the twins was yelling at the top of his lungs. "I wanna go back to the Vector! I'm gonna miss my show!" he added, frustrated. The other soldier hit his fist on his Magitek Armour in annoyance. "Will you shut your freaking trap up!?" he yelled back as he reached over to hit his twin. "Wedge, do you know what will happen if you scream that loudly on a snowy mountain?" Biggs asked in a rather condescending tone. Wedge wasn't listening anymore. "Let's get this over with," he sighed. "Well, I'm glad you two crybabies are done arguing, but we need to get a move on. Or do you want me to burn you?" A dark voice came from behind them, making them both jump. "Yeah, yeah, we know that. Geez, chick's got issues," Biggs added in a whisper to Wedge. "I want to get this over with quickly too. I really need a bathroom! I drank too much soda, I'm sorry!" Biggs was already making his suit of armour run towards Narshe as fast as he could. The girl was irritated. "There's always a need for a bathroom…" "Cause, y'know, in the bathroom!" Wedge added as they rushed to catch up to Biggs.

Once the other two had caught at to him, Biggs steered his mech towards Wedge and asked: "Hey, are you aware of what happened when Kefka let her drink soda?" as he was curious whether or not if Wedge remembered. "Oh, yeah, that…" Wedge replied with a horrified look on his face.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM THE GODDESS OF HELLFIRE! FEAR ME OR FACE THE WRATH OF MY STAR SEARING FLAMES OF ABSOLUTION! NONE SHALL CROSS ME! I AM THE INCARNATE OF DESTRUCTION AND REBIRTH! FEAR ME, PHEASANTS!" The sound of maniacal yelling filled the air of the training compound. Green hair was burning everything to a crisp, while a wacky looking jester was crying tears of joy in a corner. "Sniff. They grow up so fast,"

Wedge punched Biggs in the arm. "I thought we agreed _NOT_ to talk about that. You know how much that affects me mentally!" he scolded his brother as Biggs was crying ice cubes out of laughter. "Alright, alright. I was just asking to make time fly, don't be mad at me," he knew apologizing to his brother was hard, but it was an attempt. "Anyway, look! We're finally here!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Wuzzat? Oh, I didn't notice. I was too busy reminiscing," he shot a very unamused glare at his brother "...about that wonderful day! Yeah! That wonderful day, right, bro?" he frantically added as he saw that the girl was already unimpressed by her coworkers. "Alright then. The Narsheans are going to defend the objective if they're smart enough. They should pop out right about… _now!_ " Exactly on cue, a few Narshean guards came up to attack them. They were weak. Their attacks could not penetrate the Magitek Armour. Our gang fought their way deep into the city until they found a mine. On the way down, Biggs stopped for a potty break, but was that really notable? What is notable is the fact that Biggs had already tried to go 5 times but he could not remember that he was in a suit of armour. Thus resulted in a lot of broken outhouses! "I really need to remember that these exist..." Biggs sighed. "Hoo boy, that was one sweet welcoming party!" Wedge was ecstatic. He always loved a good beatdown.

The mines seemed welcoming enough. Dark, cavey, wet from melted ice, you know the drill. Their destination was the end of the mines. "Alright, bring out the heavy artillery," "Ymir, here boy," The gang heard voices from the other side of a wooden barricade. Biggs was going to break it down when...

"OH, OF COURSE WE HAVE TO FIGHT A BOSS HERE! WHAT ELSE DID I EXPECT?!" Biggs was the one yelling this time. "Well, you're forgetting one small detail: IT'S A FREAKING SEA SNAIL!" Scratch that, Wedge was also yelling. The girl was already firing missiles at said snail. "This is incompetence I get the pleasure to work with? I can tell this is going to be a long battle…" she mused to herself before calling out to the other two. "Oi, losers! If you're done screaming like little girls, come over here and help me!" She was needing a heal after getting hit with the snail's Gigavolt. "Huh, I think I've seen this snail before. Yeah, you! Greeny! Don't hit it's shell! Unless you want to get fried, which I have no objections to," Wedge added cheekily before firing a fire (Hurr hurr hurr) laser at Ymir. After a long battle, they finally came out on top.

After a short trek, they came upon an espersicle. "Oh, is this what the emperor wanted? Seems underwhelming to me…" Wedge said with a tone of disappointment in his voice. "Hold it. That there's a powerful being, brimming with magic we better-" He was cut off by the popsicle that was sitting in front of them. It started to glow! "Oh, ye who bear my friends blood. Huh? Oh, there are others here too? Well, I'll just say it anyway. Hi, name's Tritoch. Or was it Valigarmanda? Oh, man, a few hundred years of being a popsicle does stuff to your memory! Nevertheless! I am an Esper! Or am I an Eidolon…? Being a popsicle sucks. I can't remember anything!" There was a voice talking, but at the same time, there wasn't anyone talking. "Who's talking?! Show yourself! I'm armed and dangerous!" Biggs and Wedge were in unison on this exclamation. "Well, now that you know what I am, I guess I'll have to dispose of you…" Tritoch said as he sent a bolt of lightning towards Biggs. "B-B-B-B-Biggs? Where did you go? Bro?! This isn't funny!" Wedge was starting to have a panic attack. Although he argued with his brother a lot, he couldn't live without him. "Meh, don't worry about it. He just got transported to another dimension that's all," Valigarmanda said calmly as he fired a bolt at Wedge. "Cr-" was all he managed before being sent to another world.

"Did you just get rid of them?" Greeny asked the popsicle. "Yes… Yesyesyesyeyesyesyesyes! YES! Thank you thank you thank you! Those guys were driving me nuts! By the way, where did you send them?"

* * *

In the Dwarven Castle…

"Lali-Ho, stranger! What brings you down here?" a dwarf was leaning over Biggs when he came to.

"Where…? Oh, crap! This is my worst nightmare! Being surrounded by uncultured swans!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in Balamb Gardens…

"Is this a new student?"

"Doesn't seem so, his outfit is too out there…"

Wedge woke up on a bed, ignoring everything the two voices were saying.

"Say, Quistis, do you think we could train him. To become a SeeD?"

"That's a wonderful idea, Selphie! I'll go tell Headmaster Cid,"

Hearing the words "Train" and "Headmaster", Wedge jumped out of bed and ran out of the room, not knowing that the Gardens were huge. "I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL!"

"...What's with that guy?"

"I'm surprised you don't actually care for them… Oh, I see. You have a slave crown. How I know what that is is beyond me. Ask ParadigmRiki, he's the one writing this," Tritoch was conversing with Greeny and breaking the fourth wall, too! The nerve... Greeny had no reply to this, as she had no idea what this crazy bird was talking about. "Here, let me help release their control of you…"

 ** _ZAP!_**

And then Greeny collapsed with the crown lying nearby.

* * *

 **A/N: So, how did y'all like the first chapter of my abridged series? I made sure to add in lots of yelling, as well as cameos and references! Anyway, this is only my first story, so don't expect it to be good. This chapter is what I'll my basing my on, so any and all feedback is welcome! If you liked this chapter, remember to follow and fave it so you're always up to date with my updates! I will see y'all next chapter where we introduce our hero, Key! Or was it Locke...? Hmm... I seem to be very bad at names today. Ah well, see you guys THEN! ParadigmRiki, signing off!**


	3. Chapter 2: Locke and Loaded

**DISCLAIMER!**

 **Don't own...**

 **Final Fantasy...**

 **Or...**

 **Characters...**

 **Do I have to keep writing this?**

"Ugh… Where am I…? Feels like I'm on a bed… Was that all a bad dream?" Greeny wondered aloud once she had come to, not wanting to open her eyes.

"Nope, all of that was real"

Greeny was screaming at the top of her lungs as she saw a rather old man leaning over her. "GET AWAY FROM ME, OLD MAN! I'M TOO YOUNG FOR YOU!" She yelled loudly.

"Shh… We don't want the Imperials to find you, now do we?" he tried to calm her down, but that made a rather interesting question pop up.

"Wait," she started. "Why are the Imperials after me again?" she was bemused as to why the Imperials suddenly had interest in her.

"Here!" The old man said as he tossed her a magazine called The Empire Weekly. "Look at the headline. The main one," he instructed her.

* * *

 _MEET THE EMPIRE'S ONLY SANE MAGE!_

 _Read all about this 19 year old girl's accomplishments as a mage!_

 _Her name is: Terra Branford!_

 _More on page 15_

* * *

"Hmm… So I'm the Empire's mage? And my name's Terra?" Terra started questioning her life. "But… Why am I working with such evil people?"

"This," said old man as he showed Terra the Slave Crown. "This crown is used to bend the will of anyone who wears it. Long story short, they brainwashed you with this," he ended, clapping his hands. "Now, could you kindly leave? I don't want the Imperials to find you,"

"Why are you protecting me? Have you developed a liking towards me? Because if you try anything, I will burn you alive," she threatened him.

"A magic user would be of great use to the Retunas- I mean, Returners! They're a group of rebels against the Empire," he explained.

* * *

 **Wham wham wham!**

Loud banging was coming from the door.

"Mr. Arvis!"

"Open the door!"

"We won't hesitate to break it down!"

Voices were yelling from outside the door.

"Go!" Arvis, apparently that's his name. "I'll distract 'em!"

Terra nodded and went through the back door, but not before grabbing an Elixir from the clock. "Why does everyone keep these in clocks?" she sighed to herself.

As she left, she heard the voices from before talking to Arvis."Sir, you do know that you need to pay your taxes, right?" One of the voices said.

"I know, I know. I'll pay up later. This is the third time today you've reminded me. If you come back here one more time, I've half a mind to not pay at all!" he was all riled up.

"Hey, sir. No need to get all riled up-" A paper aeroplane hit his helmet. "Wha?"

"I JUST SAID THAT! DON'T REPEAT ME OR I WILL REMOVE YOU FROM THE STORY!" It read.

"Anyway," he continued. "How long does it take someone who does nothing all day to pay their taxes?"

Terra ran out of there before anything bad happens. "Ooh, I hope I don't fall… I was always bad at gym class…" she mused to herself. She overheard two guards talking beneath her.

"So, did you see the game last night?

"What game? There was no game! It was postponed!"

"Well, yeah, I was wondering if you knew…"

"Hold it. I think I hear movement above us,"

They looked upwards to see…

"Hey, isn't that the girl we need to be hunting?"

"By golly gee, it seems you're right!"

"Let's get her!" they said in unison as Terra made a mad dash towards the cave entrance that was opposite her.

"Oh, come on! Can't a girl catch a break here?" she sighed, frustratedly while the guards were chasing her. "H-hey, now," she started as she was cornered. "You don't want to get burnt do you?"

"We just want the pay," one of them said, which made Terra take a step back.

The floor crumbled underneath her feet. "CRUD-WHY-DOES-THIS-ALWAYS-HAPPEN-TO-MEEEEEEEE?" she yelled as she plummeted to the ground

* * *

"Ugh… I'm… In… Space? Dude, did I eat something funny?"

Even I don't know where she is, don't ask me!

"Damn you, author… Create this place and not know the purpose…"

Hey, c'mon now, don't be like that! Here have a memory of your past.

"What? A memory?"

Yeah! Let's see now… Nope, not that one… Bleargh! No definitely not! This one should work!

* * *

Terra was in a rather small room, sitting on a stool, sulking. "Do I HAVE to wear that crown?" she asked defiantly. "What if I don't WANT to? And don't use that 'This'll make you even prettier than even General Celes excuse' I. Don't. Want. To. Wear. It!" She ended her argument.

The strange looking clown we saw before was the victim of this babbling. "Urgh, why do you have to be so difficult? I guess it's the teen rebel inside you… But don't you want to kill everyone with your looks? General Celes does that to everyone!" He argued with her. "Or do you want me to force it onto you? I could always do that, you know," he added threateningly.

"Alright, alright, I'll wear it! But it'd better make me veeeeery pretty!" She finally resigned and put on the crown

* * *

"Wow, I was stupid back then!"

Yep, you were.

"You're supposed to say 'Oh, no you're not, everyone has a bad day,'!"

What?! No way, I'm not a sweet talker!

"I will kick you once I get out of where ever this is!"

Can you? I don't think so.

* * *

While we were… umm… bickering, a voice could be heard, breaking the peaceful silence of the streets of Narshe. "Stealthily, Locke looked left and right to make sure he was not being followed," monologued a man with a bandana. "He was directed to send a parcel to the town's mayor and had to overcome many challenges to get said parcel," he said, dodging behind a crate all ninja-like. "He took a few more steps to reach his destination as he wondered what could be inside the mysterious parcel," Locke stepped inside the mayor's, who was Arvis, house. "'Hey, old man! I brought what you wanted!' he called out, hoping that the recipient would hear. 'What is in this box?' he wondered once more,"

"Ah, there you are Locke! Where have you been? Out treasure hunting again?"Arvis came through the back door, looking like he just woke up. "Didja know that your yelling woke me up?"

"S-sorry sir. But I wasn't treausre hunting, I was surveying! There's a difference!" he said with dignity. "Anyway, what's in the box?" he added.

"Didn't you know? I never got this week's issue of The Empire Weekly!" he sighed

"'Oh, that's all?' Locke said with an air of disappointment in his voice. 'I thought it was someth-'" he was interupted by Arvis's steely glare.

"Now if you're done narrating, let's see what they're up to now…

* * *

 _NEWS FLASH!_

 _The Empire's mage has left the Empire!_

 _Reward to whoever catches her!_

 _More details on page 5_

* * *

"Hoo boy, this is bad! I told her to escape but I think I just put her in more danger! Locke, you need to go and find her before it's too late!" he directed Locke.

"Mage? Who's she? The only imperial mage I know is General Celes and damn is she a looker…" he added in a loving voice.

"Well, she has green hair, so it won't be hard to find her… And stop daydreaming about Celes!" he said while slapping Locke hard.

"'Ow!' he exclaimed. 'Okay, okay, I'll go now!' he said as he made to leave the house," This guy writes himself, do I need to add stuff?

* * *

 **Bicker bicker bicker**

Huh, I think I see someone… He's landed next to you! Alright, Terra, nice arguing with you, but I need to leave!

"Huh? Where are you going?"

The answer is you're losing conciousness.

"Wh-" she whited out.

* * *

"Gyaaaaaaaaaaa-!" Locke screamed as he fell from the ceiling. "'Urgh…' he groaned. 'Why do all of my dramatic entrances involve falling' he wondered aloud before noticing the green haired chick lying next to him," Locke was still monologuing, even in dire situations.

Guards were appearing from the staircase opposite Locke.

"Alright men! Today we fight like men! And ladies! And ladies who dress like me! Today, we capture the mage!"

"Right on!"

"Yeeeeeaaaaah!"

"...Whatever,"

Locke heard them cheering as they started to approach the area he was in. "'This is not good,' he said. 'I need backup he-'" he was cut off by cute voices.

"Kupo~!"

"Kupopo!"

"What? Moogles? You live here? IN A CAVE?" Locke asked, shocked that moogles could live in such conditions.

"Kupo-po!" went one of the moogles, nodding it's head happily

"So… you're gonna help me fend of these guards?" Locke had forgotten about his whole narrating shtick as he was amazed that moogles were this brave. "Alright, let's protect the girl!"

* * *

A few minutes later, the guard captain was felled by Locke's hand. "And another feind is defeated by our hero, Locke! With the most honourable moogles, that is," And narrator Locke is back. "He hoisted the green haired girl onto his back and ran as quickly as he could to the secret exit that only the Returners knew about," he narrated smugly.

Unfortunately for him, Terra woke up at that exact moment. "What? Last thing I remember is bickering with the author. How'd it go form that to a narrating man carrying me?" she wondered before… "PUT ME DOWN! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU MEN?" her sudden yelling and struggling made Locke accidentally drop her. "Is that how you put down a lady? Man, you must not be much of a ladies man," she taunted him.

"'Yeah, I'm no knight in shining armour but-'" Locke gets cut off once again.

"Don't remind me of armour, please," Terra begged him.

"'Anyway… But who was the one who saved you? That's right, it was me!' Locke boasted," he was being rather smug that he could do what a red loving plumber could do. "H-hey! Who gave you the authority to say that!?" he yelled furiously.

"That's the author for you," Terra explained. "My name's Terra, by the way. Terra Branford. What's yours?" she asked him.

"Locke and loaded! No, it's actually Locke Cole. Let's just get out of here and head to Figaro so we can talk. They have an anti-agression pact with the Empire!" he added seeing th concerned look on Terra's face.

"Alright then, let's-a go!"

* * *

 **A/N: First things first. I want to thank TrapMasterWarrior for helping me understand how to actually write.**

 **Now that's done, how'd y'all like Locke? I honestly don't know where the narrator in him came from. Decided to put myself in here as Terra's conciousness because I'm awesome. Ok, I wanted to give her a conciousness who was not herself and the only other person to come to mind was Zack.**

 **Anyway, since this is probably the last post of 2016, I wish you all a happy new year!**

 **As per usual, constructive criticism is apreciated and if you like what you see, be sure to follow and favourite it.**


	4. Hiatus, Sadness, Short Update

Ha Ha Ha !

I'm so nice!

Yeah, I'm gonna put this here story on hiatus. Reason being I think I'm really bad at the Abridged humour, so I'll be taking a break and try to figure out how to do this type of humour.

In the meantime, I will still be writing, but only until June or July. I'm sorry, but if you need anything, PM me, preferably on Google Hangouts.

So, uhh... See you in my next story?


End file.
